For Doutzen Kroess/Jenna Fischers Eyes only

Dear Future Girlfriend

I am writing you this letter, because I think its important for you to understand the expectations of the role you will be fulfilling, and I don't want you to go into this whole Manfriend Girlfriend thing blindly ya know?  I recently got out of a serious relationship in which I do not have that much to complain about, and the things i Do have to complain about, well I'm not gonna tell you duh.  With that said the bar is set pretty high so I just wanna lay out some of the ground rules so we don't have any of that "you doing things that really annoy me but i have to say it annoys me in a nice way" or any of the "Me wishing you brought more to the table".  

Here are some of the things that I would like you to have in your resume

-Will refer to me as your "Manfriend"

-An affinity for sexy underwear

-You can make a cake and/or french toast (mmmm)

-You do not mind being naked (i dont have time to deal with a non confident girl)

-You have your own taste in music but will listen to mine in the car

-you dont touch my ipod when im driving

-you would give roadhead but would also be aware of the dangers and would remind me of them before you began

-Like to spontaneously dance and/or sing

-Will show me your boobs on command

-Anal. Duh.

-Likes to dress up fancy and go out nice places 

-Knows who Phil Jackson, Rich Rodriguez are

-Will be willing to listen to me rant about Urban Meyer

-Is constantly impressed when I try to posture like I read books all the time

-Will watch Independance day without complaining

-Can keep me on my toes with witty comments, sexual references and pop culture jokes

-Will play Yes And with me in stores

-Is ok with having sex in public

-Is ok with having sex in other peoples beds

-Is ok with having sex on the floor

-Will be dedicated and ambitious to her schooling

-Will have crushes on celebrities/be ok wiht me having crushes on celebrities

-the Term fingerbang will apply

-Is ok with me giving your parents nicknames

-Has a friend or 2 that I can give nicknames to

-Has one really slutty friend that is fun to hang out with

-Wants to see Craigs sex tape as bad as I do

-Can hold your liquor

-Sometimes doesnt wear bras

-Is ok with facials

-Knows who Mark Cuban, Polly Pocket and Marlo Stanfield are

-has interesting childhood stories

-Will buy really good presents (like fun interesting presents not sweaters or flasks from russia)

-Will Sleep naked

-Will fetch me things like Wendys, Apples and Milkshakes

-Will watch Sportscenter and other sports related things

-Finds the story about the guy at the airport funny

Ok I hope this list finds you well, soon I will be back to post the things that you Cannot do if you want me to be your Manfriend.

xoxo

R.

Get Some.

Its late.

I just registered for extra classes.

To me the problem with life is that it is always about what people do not know.  The news is all about How are things going to get worse, how are things going to get better, how things will change.  As a college student I find my friends and I are constantly worried over what is coming next, will we find a good job? Will this work pay off? This the person we are involved with now the one?  But I was thinking in the shower today if someone told me that in 5 years I would land a job that paid me 200k for 35 years, that I would be happy with what I do, and told me who my wife would be that life would be so much less fun.  We read because we want to learn, we learn because we want to evaluate our situations and make better decisions in order to improve our standing.  However, if your goals are fuzzy or unfocused one doesn't really know what to try to learn or improve about oneself.  

I look mad good in sunglasses.  I also am extremely confused and sort of in love.

There will be a lighter post later.

xoxo

R.

Jacket Off

Hello Loyal Reader.

Today in exciting news I got a NEW JACKET!  It is an early present for the miracle of Hannukah. Mark and I went to some store in town today and he put on his "Im a Business Man" face so all the salesmen out there know he means business.  He directed me towards multiple suits that had colors and checks and stripes but i couldn't see any of them very well because I refused to take off my sunglasses.  This led me in the direction of the black jackets and this encounter

Sales Man: Helloooooo ::touches shoulder:: how are you?

Ryan: Ah Hello...

Sales Man:  I am super ::hand still on shoulder:: what can i do for you today

Ryan: Jacket please.

Sales Man: GREAT We have Lots of jackets! What kind of jacket can i get for you?

Ryan: Anything that matches my sunglasses I think.

SalesMan: Welllllllll how about This ::pulls out yellow jacket::

Mark: Ha ha! Well Ryan Then Everyone Will Know When Youre Around You can HEARR that jacket! Ha Ha!

Salesman: I can hear the jacket too! It says YOU WILL LOOK GREAT IN ME!

Ryan: Black please.

Anyway I got a black cashmere blazer and its probably the greatest thing ever.  Probably not the greatest thing ever is how tired Ive been feeling.  But I got alot of compliments yesterday from old friends with how good I look now, which makes me feel like my hardwork is paying off.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend and a g***t a***m*

xoxo

R.

Harry Potter Redux Part Eins

Ello Poppett. So its Friday and I have nothing to do except contemplate life and the mysteries that come with it.  I might go out with Adeige11 and wbackman tonight, maybe Tidal wave or maybe Cheryl but until then I will be writing in here.  UPDATE: Apparently im going to a swim meet.

So anyway, I've been thinking about the Twilight series which I have not read because it sounds kinda gay but that led me to think about Harry Potter, and how much time I spent reading about his adventures and STupid Mistakes.  I've decided to summarize the books here that way no one has to read them everr again.

Book 1: Harry Potter and the Magic Rock:  Harry sleeps under the stairs in a lil room and I don't understand why he didnt just run away or call British Child Services or something. Then he gets infinity chain letters from Dumbledore which say COME TO HOGWARTS WE HAVE BUTTER BEER AND MOVING STAIRS!!  (my favorite part was the changing ceilings tho having ghosts in the house would be fun too, one time I saw a ghost but thats a story for another day.) That was enough for Mr. Dudley to move the family, and then Hagrid showed up and shook the house.  At this point Harry should have realized he was in for biggg trouble when a Giant shows up at the house with an umbrella.   Then stuff happens at Hogwarts like Hermonie and Ron (who has red hair and would never be able to hit i with Emma watson) have sexual tension but Ron is a non closer.  They also meet the greatest magician of all time Dumbledore who takes an extreme interest in Harry because apparently everyone in Magic World has a fetish for scars (and as we learn in a later book is interested in working on other peoples wands hint hint).  We also meet Snape who turns out to be the creepiest teacher EVER, like Ms Hibbard but the worst.  His issue stems from a bad hair cut and lack of extra curricular activities in high school.  Its always important to have extra curriculars.  Then some professor wearing a turban turns out to be a sneakster for Voldemort and Harry potter is the only one who is smart enough to say "HEY everyone! Lets check this guys Turban!" Oh Also! There was a magic Mirror which showed everyone exactly what they wanted (Dumbeldore wanted a new pair of socks mmmm socks) But like obviously JK Rawly was never a 7th grade boy because if I looked in the mirror as a 7th grade boy i would have been kissing a girl because in 7th grade thats pretty much All I thought about.  Anyway Harry Potter saved the day by saying Expecto Protronum and there was much Butter Beer for everyone until the next book.  Oh also, Dumbledore always ends every book with like a creepy 3 hour talk with Harry alone.  Discussing all the things that have happened but meanwhile just fantazising about his scar obviously.  Dumbledore is all about these fireside chats but if he had read YMCA protocal he would know that you are Never supposed to be alone 1 on 1 with a child because if they call rape then you are mad guilty.

PS it is hear that I also discovered that in the movie the spells shooting out of wands look like mad orgasm

Book 2: Harry Potter goes into the Girls Shower.  Ok So it was about this time when I thought that maybe Harry Potter was a bit of a narcissict.  It always seemed to me that Everything is always about him, and Ron is like his enabler.  Like Harrys all like Am I good at broomstick soccer? and Rons all like Harry Youre the best! Meanwhile Hermonie is all I want to go to Ivy League Wizardy School so she does allllll her homework while Ron is all trying to phingerbang her in the Wizardy Library.  All this sexual tension in Hogwarts causes Ginny Weasley(Rons hot lil sister) to feel very uncomfortable so she begins to write in a diary.  This diary turns out to be a Trick diary because it writes back, us experienced diary writers know that only on the rarest occasions do diaries actually respond.  So anyway people start getting stolen and some girl gets paralyzed by a big snake because the snakes eyes are very scary.  Sooooooo Harry, being focused on getting himself all the attention decided to figure out where the Chamber of Secret is.  He discovers this because for fun Harry Potter goes to the Nice girls bathroom with an awesome shower late at night.  There he hangs out with a ghost nicknamed Moaning Myrtle.  Are you joking JK?  Harry Is going to the Girls bathroom late at night and hanging out with someone Known for their Moaning? Anyway.  (Weird sexual things are a theme in harry potter.)  Harry Potter gets Into the chamber of Secret (um euphamism much?)  with his trusty side kicks.  In there he battles a huge 1 eyed Snake (um euphamism much?) to save Ginny "Ill Snog Harry through out books 6-7" Weasley.  All is right in the wizardy world after the snake has been slain but I have a feeling that something bad happens at least 4 or 5 more times.  

"YOull never know LOVE or FRIENDSHIP and I feel Sorry for you!"-Harry 'mad corny' Potter

Anyway, I have to go work out but I'll do other books later because I'm sure I'll be bored.  Its been real.

Pixies beeping I gotta go.

xoxo

R.

Busted

sharkeyes: I'm only home for like a week will I see u?

moosey50b: Ohhh you know, the Hannukah Holiday...pretty important as I said earlier

sharkeyes: Really? Ryan. Ur not going to see me cuz U have to light Candles?

moosey50b: Ohh uh we have latkes too...maybe driedel

sharkeyes: U stink. seriously.

I bought new cologne.

it was girl approved.

However...

I tried to pronouce it with the V in the name the women there looked at me quite strangely. note to self: get more cultured.

R.

Santa Looks like My Rabbi

Gotentag motherfuckers. Its winter break today now that I've finished my last final exam but all did not go smoothly this morning.  I woke up at 6:17am which was 3 minutes past what my alarm was set for so in a rush I threw off my pajamas, threw on socks, jeans and a tshirt and ran downstairs to go.  Now, like most things I do frequently I have a ritual about it.  When I go online I check my facebook, collegefootballnews.com, wwtdd.com and then perhaps my email, when I drive it goes car on, music, seatbelt and when I have sex it goes fingerbangin, blowjob, doggy style, so it shouldn't surprise any of my loyal readers that when I get dressed it goes Boxers, Socks, Jeans, Tshirt.  So anyway, I grab my big jacket, the keys to my trusty dark blueish land rover and run outside forgetting A.Im wearing a leather jacket and its pouring B.my project that I had to hand in and C.My Cd case and D.Underwear.  Upon reaching the first step of the porch and realizing that my jeans are rubbing uncomfortably close to a certain part of my anatomy that I cherish I realize my mistake and run back for the door. However, in my haste to grab the keys to leave I somehow managed to knock the house key from the loop.  This left me with the prospect of waking up Mark and Gill (that would not be a pleasant Hello Boys and Girls) or just free ballin my way to my phinal.  I chose the latter.  This was quite uncomfortable because I dont know if you, my loyal readers, have had experience wearing jeans without underwear but it is not pleasant really especially if youve recently lost a bit of weight and your jeans are looser so your attachments never really stay in one place.  This brings me to the subject of how vital underwear is, some people I know prefer boxer briefs on guys they are very stupid.(and please what do loyal readers who only wear Big underwear know pshhh)  While boxer briefs provide security in the area they also can be too tight when a random erection occurs thus leaving oneself open to an embarrassment that I might have suffered while giving a French presentation in 6th grade during my brief boxer brief stage (ha! get it! brief!) anywayy boxers provide some security, but they are also comfortable and come with plenty of places to hide the ill timed erection also its like a lil treasure hunt when girls get down there.  Where is it hiding? Maybe later I'll discuss the merits of girls underwear.  As for what I'm doing during the first few days of winter break? I'm glad you asked.  I am seeing my friend Yvonne this afternoon and perhaps my friend Tidal Wave this evening, I have some reading to catch up on and I would like to do 1000 sit ups by Sunday.  But every 100 situps has to be in a different location.  I'll keep you posted.  Maybe I'll write again later today.

xoxo

R.A.H.

An early evening trip to 7-11

So

In front of me on the way home from 7-11, where I purchased M+ms, milk, and this funky eggnog thing (that I threw out on the way home because it was so Not quality EggNog), there were 3 girls, one with a tiny ass, one with a medium ass but with chubby legs and one with a gigantic ass but with tiny legs.  Gigantor and Medium were discussing science

G:Yeah but Im confused by Enthroby

M:Yeah, i dont think thast the word tho, its like things are crazy its like Endopy

G:No No im pretty sure its Enthroby, and its just how things goo crazyyy

M:Oh oh oh its Definitley Endopy

T(quietly): Guys I think you are talking about Enthropy. and its how everything heads to disorder

Totally a Jurassic Park fan.

Anyway this talk of enthropy got me thinking about how everything ultimately goes crazy, and nothing at all is predictable.  I mean you can try to prepare for some things, tests, having sex in the evening, Ram coming home but no matter what it is you really cant anticipate something that escaped your studying, your girlfriend biting and being turned off or Ram being really annoying (i guess thats kinda predictable).  I think the problem with all this craziness is that people expect things not to be.  Everyone has expectations of what is going to happen and when it doesn't happen its usually disappointing.  

I have much more to say.  Maybe later.

C